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Nov 23, 2003
10 Ulitmate worst pickup lines of all time *this is for someone in particular and I think you know who you are!*
1. "What's your sign?"
The epitome of cheese, this line, which has been around since the Beatles came to America, ranks as the very worst line in dating history. The fact that it's still in use says a lot about the decay of our society's standards and the glaring desperation of some singles.
2. "Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?"
Maybe this was funny around 1910 or 1915 — back when the telephone was a novel appliance. It does not inspire smiles now, only scared and doomed looks.
3. "You must be a broom because you're sweeping me off my feet."
Maybe your dad used this one on your mom and for nostalgia's sake, you're bringing it out again. Nostalgia does not get you dates, only pity. "I actually had a guy say this to me during happy hour," says Kim, a vivacious flight attendant who gets her share of pick-up lines. "I didn't hold it against him because I don't know how much he'd had to drink and he was cute. But if he hadn't been cute, I would have dodged him."
4. "Do you have a licence? Because you're driving me crazy."
Caution! Watching too many stupid teen movies impairs your judgement. This probably sounded clever to the person who swiped it from an Annette and Frankie beach party flick.
5. "I gotta thirst and baby, you look like my Gatorade."
Generally, comparing potential dates to food or drinks is not a winning move. " I had a guy use this one on me and I rolled my eyes and walked way," says Susan, a marketing representative who doesn't usually go for lines. "But a couple of weeks later, I saw this hot guy at the gym and I used that same line and it worked! I guess there are gender preferences when it comes to lines. He was really flattered, where I was insulted when it was used on me."
6. "Are you lost? Because heaven's a long way from here."
Maybe angels like this one, real women don't.
7. "Are you religious? Because you're the answer to all my prayers."
Prayer is something that anyone who uses this tacky line desperately needs.
8. "Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas."
This line is popular with both men and women who think references to Santa are cute and charming, which are qualities that they never possess personally.
9. "Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?"
"A stunning woman I had been staring at used this on me," says Mark, a tawny-haired, gregarious copywriter. "I know it's an old one but it took guts to say it. I'm afraid I happily fell for it."
10. "Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?"
A personal favorite, this one takes a certain amount of arrogance as well as delusion, to pull off.
Posted at 01:21 am by Alexandra
Nov 22, 2003
1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "Group Hig!"and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"
Posted at 11:57 pm by Alexandra
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1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order,
using colorful expletives in ways which would
embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with
transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers
are unable to hear each other and, thus,
each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to).
When the manager comes to the mic,
speak English and inquire as to why
the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order
("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get
a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e.,
"Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and
a small medium fries, please".
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order,
then slip out of line and watch the fun as
the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food,
hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll
dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker
will think there is a problem with the speaker
and ask you to order at the window.
When you arrive at the window,
speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone.
When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at
their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone
speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their
own voice.
17. One word: Flatulence!
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk.
When you approach the window to pickup your order,
have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
19. If you are a male,
have a female friend place the order by speaking
VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker.
When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept
your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow
employees have been called over to the window to
"check out the babe".
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.
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Posted at 12:24 am by Alexandra
Nov 20, 2003
64 ways to piss off a cop!
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1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, officer, there's
no blood in my alcohol?"
2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to
race.
3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my
speedometer doesn't go that high.
5) Touch him.
6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a
hat.
7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8) Refer to him by his first name.
9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10) When he says no, cry.
11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a
nice way.
13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw
yourself on the hood.
14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that
way.
15) When he puts handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me
dinner first"
16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink
on your fingers.
17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops!
That's the wrong name."
18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I
just ate the last one.
19) When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration,
please" right when he says it.
20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I
can't hear you!"
21) Trip and fall into him.
22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to use
his pen.
24) Chew on the pen, nervously.
25) Clean your ear with the pen.
26) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought your
name sounded familiar....
28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask
him how the plumbing was.
29) Act like you are retarded.
30) When he is telling you what you did wrong, start repeating
him, quietly.
31) Or mumble to yourself.
32) When he tells you to stop, say what are you talking about,
DUDE?
33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here
tonite......
34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
35) When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like
yours!
36) Ask if he watches Cops.
37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
38) Giggle if he did.
39) Talk to your hand.
40) Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and he Five Favorite
Friends.
41) Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does.
42) When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
43) When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in
my car, the last cop got it.
44) Try to sell him your car.
45) Ask if you can buy his car.
46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in the front.
47) Play with the siren.
48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
49) If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for
dinner.
50) Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.
51) Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in
tongues.
54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the
fencing.
56) Turn your head and whistle.
57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do
with that.
58) If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the
corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
60) Ask if you can see his gun.
61) When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to
see if mine was bigger.
62) Stare at the lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
63) Tell him you like men in uniform.
64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
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Posted at 04:56 pm by Alexandra
Nov 19, 2003
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals
throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to
join.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
especially in thin aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off
and turn the volume up to full blast.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen
you in so long." etc. See if they play along.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself
loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"
15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
taking it for a test drive.
17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
behind them. Do this until they leave the store.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"
20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
when they say you didn't buy it there say "Hmmmm....I thought
the customer was always right!"
21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you
will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
"I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down.
29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and
say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
them yelling "Red Rover."
31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any
in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)
32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale
battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.
33. Take bets on the battle from above.
34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask
the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as
possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
Mission Impossible.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies."
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: Marco Polo.
43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
section, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.
45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to
your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."
49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out
much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
*BONUS*
1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without
getting kicked out.
2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you
can make.
Posted at 06:47 pm by Alexandra
Nov 18, 2003
So everyday is a new day, some people still suck ass but hey shit happens! Im in an awesome mood right now just cuz Im always so chill when my parents leave down. Im really sick of the upperclass men who wont quit talkin about me cuz not only do they 1. Not have ANY room what so ever to say shit they 2. Dont know me at fuckin all! but what ever Yea well sorry this was really short but Im runnin outa shit to say so I shall leave yall with this:
Do you have the time to listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid ?
I'm just stoned
I went to a shrink
To analyze my dreams
She says it's lack of sex that's bringing me down
I went to a whore
He said my life's a bore
And quit my whining cause it's bringing her down
Grasping to control
So you better hold on
Posted at 08:17 pm by Alexandra
Nov 17, 2003
So I gots these songs runnin through my head gotta get 'em down on herre b'fo I wind up dead:
Gata boots pimped out Gucci suits You....know....who I.....be
Nothin else.....none other
The...number one...stunner
Nigga...I pimp hoes
Fuck....toss....flip hoes
Show them....bitches no...love
Ridin 2g lacs on......dubs
Ounces....quarters....halves...bricks
Nigga i done sold all that shit
soon as....my tour stop
Bought five Bentley Zoras.....props
TV's must...buttons must....
CMB...platinum plus
What the.....fuck...hold on GET YO ROLL ON ERREBODY ERREBODY GETCHA ROLL ON!
I'm not the type of person who likes to waste my time
And when I'm on the mic - I just say my rhymes
Because I'm out on bail - the check is in the mail
They can sentence me to life - but I won't go to jail
I'm cool calm collected - from class I was ejected
Just me, Mike D., and M.C.A. - we're rarely disrespected
I got all the time that I need to kill
What's the time? - it's time to get ill
You been fully captivated by that funky ass bass
Your girlfriend screams when M.C.A.'s in the place
He stumbles in the room with the Chivas in his hand
Cold chillin' on the spot at the microphone stand
I'd have the pedal to the metal if I had a car
But I'm chiller with the Miller - cold coolin' at the bar
I can drink a quart of Monkey and still stand still
What's the time? - it's time to get ill
Went outside my house - I went down to the deli
I spent my last dime to refill my fat belly
I got rhymes galime - I got rhymes galilla
And I got more rhymes than Phillis Diller
M.C.A. takes a stand - man you're in command
Homeboy, turn it out and don't give a damn
My name is M.C.A. - I've got a license to kill
What's the time? - it's time to get ill
Riding down the block with my box in my hand
Today I feel like chillin' just as chill as I can
Coolin' on the corner with a forty of O.E.
'Cause me and M.C.A. we're down with Mike D.
When I run a jam - I don't give a damn
When I'm throwing bass - I say, 'Thank you ma'am.'
Fuel injected, rhyme connected - running things
I'm the King Adrock and I'm the king of all kings
I'm looking for a spot - things are gettin' hot
I'm M.C.A., I'm here to stay - and you sir, are not
Oh no, it could not be - it's such a sight to see
It's such a trip - you're on my tip so listen to Mike D.
My work is my play - cause I'm playing when I work
My name's Mike D., as you can see and I can dot the jerk
M.C.A., Adrock, Mike D. - it's chill
What's the time? - it's time to get ill
P.S. The song Little Nicky Cried is awesome!
Posted at 06:08 pm by Alexandra
Nov 16, 2003
I am who I am you wont change that! IM DAMN PROUD I HAVE A LAZY EYE! Wassup folks? Are we not realizing ITS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL? I hope you do make fun of me! Its so goddamn stupid that y'all reflect badly on your own self! So if you do wanna make fun of my lazy eye (By ThE By- who ever was saying I have a "Lazy eye....its crossed" You are dumb as shit and I think the pure fact that you said I have a CrOsSeD LaZy eye proves it ITS JUST LAZY IT GOES OUT NOT IN RETARD) None the less, the only people that still make fun of it other than my Sister BBG's are the super shallow people that are gay so I hope you all read this and then write a mean ass coment just to make yourself all that much worse! So have alot of fun with that one infact have MORE fun than a barel of monkeys! But be forewarned even if you don't put your name on there its obvious who you are because there are only a select amount of people who will make fun of me and not admit it was them, when the admit it was them its all that much cooler and y'all all wanna be cool am I right? Damn straight I am!
Posted at 01:10 am by Alexandra
Nov 15, 2003
Today was my first epiphany. It all started with my science teacher stating the "fact" life’s not fair. Well he was right and wrong at the same time, No life isn’t always fair but at the same time it’s not LIFE it’s the PEOPLE living it. Maybe if people actually cared for and respected each other this would not be the case but no, they don’t. At the risk of sounding controlling I wish people would think more like me. Have you ever noticed those same "popular" people that tell people not to care what others think are the ones making fun of everyone? Well heres the deal with that. I don’t understand why when they say ignore the problem they create the problem? How does that work? That is what’s not fair. That honestly is one of the more crappy things in life and I hate that. Unfortunately its really hard to learn to not care what those people think. All the unnecessary drama causes so much stress it sucks. I’m sorry to every person I have ever started anything with. Looking back on the way I have acted in the past is so awful it makes me sad. Also is this everyone or just girls? I know a couple of guys that choose not to like me for the hell of it. How is that fair? Its not but there is no way I will ever blame it on life. The people that can blame the bad stuff on life are the people that live in cardboard boxes, little poor places in Africa, and people with a disability. I have a lazy eye. Up until about a week ago that was horrible…Its just not that bad I’m lucky. I’m not completely blind, I’m not ugly, I have an awesome family, I’m healthy, and even though I can get a little crazy sometimes life doesn’t suck and that’s all there is possible to it.
Now that’s my Epiphany…a little more serious than I usually like to be! So one day I was watching Jenny Jones with my brother. It was one of those "Help Jenny my teen is out of control" well Major Sgt. Moses said:
"Save the drama for your mama!"
Personally I think this is an awesome saying! Drama is for TV shows and needs to be left out of the normal daily life. No joke it gets boring. The creator of PMS is from HELL. Or rather the girls that suffer from it are from hell! I might very possibly be the spawn of Satan! Ya know, She Devil! Yup that’s me! From now on I’m going to go by Spike that sounds pretty evil to me. Today on the bus my friend threw a tampon at a 6th grade boy. He picked it up, looked at it at yelled "HEY WHATS THIS". My theory little boys are dumb, older boys are dumb, Men are dumb. Vicious cycle isn’t it? Heres my theory of a man in a NuTsHeLl:
1. Everything is cool.
2. If there is a problem then fight.
3. Fight to win.
4. You lose? Gain back your respect.
5. Get the girl.
Apparently having male sexual reproductive organs makes life easier, hmmm. Well then I guess "Life is not fair". NO! That will no longer be excepted. Life IS fair it’s the PEOPLE that are not!
These have been the deep thoughts of one Alexandra Ndawg, Simons and she now feels a whole hella lot better!
Posted at 10:56 am by Alexandra
Nov 14, 2003
Back to back they faced eachother, drew their swords and shot eachother. The deafening silence grew so loud, it flashed so bright it hit the crowd. Laughing at the pain of good, Them bitches broke them self all up in the hood. Strongly agreeing you are wrong about what you said the choise of life would end up dead. Understanding the not understood is what I do, If the world was dark could you?
Smiling so big it makes your face hurt is what makes living worth living on earth. At the work party that day, the jumbo shrimp came out to play. A fine mess groing to pass the unwritten test. It was a clean kill...as clear as dirt just as long as it felt a good hurt. Being a devilish angel drinking the designer beer made the job easy as to see to hear. Their enquiring minds were so enormously small I was forced to kick the shit across the hall. From the veiw of an Honest Crook, don't watch the tape, read the book.
Posted at 05:41 pm by Alexandra
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